What Is Wrong With Me?

One thing I never thought would happen to be me was having an anxiety attack at my University Graduation. Not during the ceremony 'thank God', but during the celebration dinner with my family.

The difference between an anxiety attack and a panic attack is slight but significant. Panic attacks often happen to people who have been through trauma. That is not me. My life has not been perfect but it has been full of support, love and opportunities for the future. If I had to give it a name I would call my life 'Charmed'. Panic attacks also have to do with a tick in your fight or flight response. Your brain thinks it is in danger and shuts down to protect you.

An anxiety attack on the other hand is a feeling of being ... overwhelmed, I suppose. For me it was a sensation of being short of breath ... of choking. You know that feel of numbness that sometimes comes before unexpected tears? I felt that. I ran outside to cry and pant and I was so embarrassed.

I wasn't afraid of what was coming I was afraid that nothing was coming. I had been in education for 20 years and while I was there the way ahead was clear. Suddenly the world was out there and I didn't know where the road was going. I wrote a poem there and then in a competition box and completely forgot about it until I got an email telling me it would be published. Here it is, it helped me, it might help you: I Haven't Been Breathing Lately

Now I am feeling those feeling again. Why? Because I am moving to Japan and the road ahead, again is not clear. I applied for my visa and what should have been a nice day out to Edinburgh with my mum was exhausting. I'm not depressed, I have no medical problems so why do I feel this way. Why does the future scare me? Why does the thought that I might never get what I want out of life make me shut down?

Because I'm normal.

These are things that should scare people and some people's brains do shut down to protect them. The point is, it is not stopping me.

So what advice do I have for anyone feeling the same way?

• Talk
• Cry if you need to and if you can (crying is better than numbness)
• Watch feel good films or TV programmes (I recommend 'Call The Midwife' if you want to cry or Legally Blonde if you want to punch the air.)
• Watch a Superhero film (make that your favourite superhero film. Which one makes you feel like the world is safe and has more good than bad? Mines is Captain America.)
• Eat Chocolate (sparingly)
• Write
• Take hot shower (not a bath, showers provide relaxation and stimulation)
• Exercise
• Do something because you don't want to get to the point where you can't make yourself do anything
• And just don't forget. You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you.

I wanted to try playing around with audio editing. Good practice. Thought I would try adding some background effects to my Tam O'Shanter reading. I really like the way this turned out. I think it makes it is particularly good for people who don't speak Scots.

Howling wind, horse hooves, crackling fire, Dance of the Witches, everything that's great about Tam O'Shanter.

Application, Rejection and Fatigue for Graduates

Now one of the reasons I started this blog was to document by transition from education to the world of work.

While studying HRM I learned that British graduates go through about 9 applications before being invited for an interview (and that is just for white people. For ethnic minorities it is 16). So imagine my surprise when I got invited for an interview after applying for only one job.

Now, a bit of background here. I ran myself ragged leading up to my exams at the end of April. I was volunteering at a local radio station which meant writing and recording my own show and assisting with their associated magazine. Now juggling that with studying was hard enough but then two colleagues at my part-time job got sick and I had to help cover. Seeing as the only other available supervisor has children I did most of the closing shifts and a lot of full days. This left me studying on my lunch break. Now, this actually worked out quite well seeing as work gave me a momentum that I just can't get when studying at home in a comfy chair with lots of distractions. But the downside is that once my exams were over it left me exhausted.

Shortly after, I actually had to excuse myself to the bathroom when volunteering at the radio station because I felt like I couldn't breathe. I suddenly got all of these questions in my head:

• What am I going to do with my life?
• What has all this been for?
• I've missed out on social exploration, does that mean it's too late for a social/romantic life?
• Will any job make me truly happy?

It wasn't a full blown panic attack, just a creeping, stifling hotness from my neck to my cheeks, a pounding heart and the feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to. 

The only consolation I could give myself was that I intellectually knew that these were irrational thoughts born as a result of too much stress and that they would go away soon. 

And go away they did. The best advice I would give to anyone who gets those feelings is, do what I did. You may desperately want to go home and not be around other people but trust me, if you go home to an empty house to do nothing then it is just going to be so much worse. So I stayed and worked on my show. The fatigue didn't go away for another couple of days but I was glad I didn't hide under my covers while I waited because I have the feeling that those thoughts would have had a lot more room to breed had I done that. 

Due to this I decided not to do any aggressive job hunting for a little while, until I had got my resting heart rate back. I said to myself, "Good God woman, you haven't even had your graduation ceremony yet. Give yourself a break."

But low and behold, an editorial assistant job I applied for invited me in for an interview. I've always known I interview very well, despite also knowing from my HRM course that interviews are one of the least trustworthy methods of hiring someone (think about it, a person could be lazy and/or completely unsuited to the role but may be very confident and good at selling themselves. Whereas a person who is humble and shy in new company may be perfect but doesn't have the ability to express it), so I wasn't worried about making a good impression. 

And make a good impression I did. It was narrowed down to me and one other applicant. So I was asked more questions and it was requested that I lower the reading level of an article written for adults to show how my brain worked as an editor (by the way this is a job for an educational website dealing with children's literature and making adult works accessible). 

They were very impressed with me again but sadly the didn't go with me. In fact they didn't go with anybody. They said they wanted someone who would fit in well with the growing company and apparently no-one fit the bill. They said they would be happy for me to freelance with them as an editor so lets see how that goes once I get more information on the subject. 

Now this rejection hurt less than I assume a lot of graduate rejections do because I was very convinced of the, "It's not you, it's us," reason they gave seeing as they ended up not hiring anyone. They were also very courteous in keeping me involved in the process, getting back to me when they said they would and also offering me more in depth feedback on my application. I find, that is more likely with small companies. 

So if you want to avoid disappointment in the face of job rejection here are some tips:

• Manage your expectations.
• Be yourself and don't be ashamed if you don't fit the bill (you may be a perfectly good worker just not a good fit and do you really want to spend the rest of your working life managing your personality?)
• Try applying to small companies, they are more inclusive even in their application process.
• And if you do apply to big companies don't take it personally if they fob you off.
• In fact don't take anything about the application process personally. This is business, it is rarely just about you. 

And of course to anybody who starts to get stressed out or fatigued as a recent graduate don't keep moving enough to run yourself even more ragged but don't mope around either. Both of these actions will just make things worse. 

So be positive and keep moving because what you are looking for is out there. 

Murdered by my Father

Who doesn't like to review films?

It is what makes up so much of youtube, people ranting about their favourite movies and TV shows. I love to do that too but my first review is going to be on something I never thought I'd talk about.

Honour Killings.

'Murdered by my Father' is an hour and fifteen minute long film on the BBC about a young woman who is murder by her father in an honour killing.

What was so striking about this film to me is its turning on its head of my own perceptions on these types of murders. When you think of the kind of man (or woman) who would kill their child for these reasons, you imagine a strict, fundamentalist with no compassion in their heart. The character of the father in this film couldn't be further from that. He is a basically loving and gentle individual whose main failing is that he cares to much about what people think and lacks some distinct back-bone.

The family is comprised of a father, a daughter and a son. Now we can all imagine how hard it is to bring up children by yourself, arguably even more so if you are a man. The daughter is a bright, young woman who just wants to make her own way in the world but still understands the realities of life. The father is not your stereotypical patriarch, in fact he encourages her in her education and genuinely seems to want her to be happy. He can be domineering a times though, like when he asks to see her phone, but hey, at least he asked.

The story is pretty simple but still engaging. The daughter is promised to this man her father works for, who somehow manages to be both domineering and pathetic at the same time. He seems no more than a boy who like to play at being the big man. Naturally Salma (the daughter) is not to keen on this match but she has already been promised so too late to back out when her old boyfriend comes back into town wanting to start things up again.

You have to give Salma a lot of credit here because she tries to go through with match and be happy for her father's sake but I think that just makes it worse. If she had said no sooner it might not have been as big a deal. Obviously I don't know how these things work but that is not the point of the film. I don't even know what religion these people belong to. In fact I don't see anyone in a state of worship once in the entire hour and fifteen minutes. The characters are Asian but above that I don't know.

And that is the genius of this little film.

Because Honour Killings are not a religious issue, they are a cultural one. The family live in a very tight knit little community in London, (I think. Again not specified because that's not important either). Everyone knows everyone's business and people's opinions can effect your life and if the community says that running away from an unhappy marriage is dishonourable then your life is over in that community. Not just yours but your family's too. I don't think I've ever seen a subtler or more powerful image of this than a woman across the street closing her blinds as Salma tries to escape from the window of her house after her father locked her in.

What this film shows brilliantly is that victims of Honour Killings don't come from strict, unhealthy or cruel families. They come from normal families like yours or mine. It is the attitudes that her different but not only the attitude of the killer but of the community he/she comes from.

At the end we are told that 12,000 cases of 'honour-based' violence have been reported in UK since 2010. These include abductions, beatings, and an estimated 60 murders.

These are not JUST the fault of the main perpetrators, they are the fault of the community in general and they are not going to stop until outdated cultural (not religious, cultural) attitudes are abandoned.

Salma ends the film with, "Love makes us kind if we let it," so all people in these situations need to do is let their love be more important than what other people think.

Nothing in the House?

When you are so use to your parents (and by parents I mean your mum) making dinner for you, you are kind of stuck when you're on your own.

I asked my brother to pick me up some ribs from the Chinese take-away. I had a miserable walk home in the rain expecting some tasty ribs and when I got home ... nothing.

What to do?

Well, last Christmas (despite my awful cooking skills) I was allowed to make the sprouts and what I did was:

• I boiled them for 5 mins
• sliced then thinly 
• and fried them in bacon bits

This took about 15 mins. Through it two slices of bread and butter and I got a SEMI-healthy supper that is very tasty. Even the people who hate sprouts loved them at Christmas. 

So there you go. You come in at 7:30 at night, soaking wet and there is nothing in the house, raid your freezer. 

There are No female Leprechauns

Isn't that something I'm sure most of us have never thought about?

But in honour of St Patrick's day (a day late) I wanted to talk about the mythology of these little creatures that capture our imagination and also ask why of all the Saints, Patrick gets such a big reception from so many nationalities.

Lets start with the Leprechauns. What do we know about them?

• They are short
• They are Irish
• They like to wear green
• They guard gold at the end of rainbows 
• And they are all male 

Many mythical creatures have faded from our memory and only exist in the literature of the time they were believed in. Not the case for our little green friends. But they have changed over the years.

For instance their fashion choice wasn't usually green before the 20th century, from medieval to Victorian times they wore red. And their dress often change depending on the region they came from. For instance Northern Irish Leprechauns were noted to wear red military clothing.

The gold at the end of the rainbow thing is a rather new addition to the mythology too. The first stories of Leprechauns date back to when Ireland had kings. Fergus MacLeti, King of Ulster was dragged into to the sea by Leprechauns (who knew they came from the sea?) but he managed to capture his captors and they offered him wishes in exchange for freedom. So Leprechauns were wish granters not gold hoarders. They are often shoe makers in the older myths too. A cosy picture that clashes with the kidnapper image. 

And of course, they are all male ... my research has produced no reason for this. We can only speculate. 

Creatures of Scottish mythology like Selkies are both male and female because they had a relationship with humans. Leprechauns and humans seem to be enemies. Selkies were creatures of desire. Leprechauns seem to be something you scare your children and wandering strangers with. So why invent families and communities for them. They are mainly loners, why would they need female companionship? Also they are nasty and mischievous, maybe considering the time period they were created, those weren't qualities story tellers would have attributed to women. 

Now as for Saint Patrick and why yesterday, in my Scottish city I saw two separate groups of people wearing ridiculous green hats. Well, the truth is, most of us will have some Irish in them. Scottish, English, American, Canadian, we all have histories riddled with Irish immigrants, bringing bright culture and rustic charm that most industrialised countries mourn the loss of. 

The truth is Ireland is just as modern as the rest of us but when we think of Ireland we think of green hills and communities and of course, folksy myths. Very different from the reality but so long as the picture is there, people will want to capture it in their own way. 

Volunteering and the ... Class Barrier?

What with the job market being an employer's market at the moment, volunteering seems to be the best way to get yourself into employment especially in the mid range skilled jobs.

Examples:

• PR
• Fashion
• Media
• And my chosen field, journalism 

Now, high-skilled jobs like doctors, lawyers and technical jobs such as engineering and computer science based positions won't generally have this problem. When you need a doctor you don't want someone who isn't employed, either privately or by the NHS. When you hire a lawyer you don't want someone who is so desperate for work they will take your case for free. You would think, there must a reason no-one has hired this guy. Plus, doctors and lawyers are always in demand somewhere. Though graduates are having to go further and further afield these days to get the position they want. 

So back onto the jobs that are demanding volunteering. Are these jobs JUST open to wealthy people? Of course not, but graduates who don't have that much money are less likely to have the time to volunteer. They may have a part time job to tide them over. They may even have dependants. 

Those like me who are lucky enough to have supportive parents who can afford to financially sustain them while we work towards a stable career are more likely to be able to take up volunteer work and are therefore more likely to get jobs. But am I middle class? Are my parents wealthy?

No and NO.

I live in a modest household and have done my entire life. My parents both came from working class families living on the salaries of butchers and factory workers. This probably taught them the value of money and also the value of a good education as most children left school at 16 in the 70s. My parents must have spent at least a part of their working lives thinking, "What could I have been if I had been educated to a higher level?"

So it doesn't seem to be a class barrier. The barriers seem to be different with each person. Whether you have a part time job, or a child, or the inability to travel, or lack of funds, it seems to be a personal struggle rather than a class struggle. 

Still, lets not pretend that wealthier families don't have to contend with these barriers less, but I am betting that the daughter of an NHS doctor might have some barriers of her own to volunteering. Her dad could probably afford to support her but is he unwilling to for whatever reason? Does she have children? Or a disability? Or maybe her family CAN'T financially support her due to debt. 

Whatever the reason, volunteering is not a class barrier to skilled jobs but it is an unfair system that employers are taking advantage of. Some employers will take on volunteers, knowing that they are not even going to consider them for a position at the end. They look at it with an attitude that speaks of, "We are the ones doing you a favour here. Why should we give you anything? You can put US on your CV. That is all the payment you need."

Am I against volunteering?

Certainly not, I think it's a great way for young professionals to get out there and learn their industry without the added pressure of the 'wage-for-effort-bargain' (as Human Resource professionals call it). I, as a matter of fact have just gotten myself a meeting for a little volunteer position myself that I think will be highly beneficial to my career. 

But something has got to change in the way it is exploited and some of those non-class barriers we talked about, have to be dropped.